Big Brother

Winner's Market

The fallout from FIGHT NIGHT has been huge, with brainless Big Brother contestants once again lurching to the false conclusion that people would appreciate having their bad points told to them on a daily basis - preferably in list form. That way, Jennifer can stomp into the boy's room whenever she's feeling bored, and explain to Rex that he is unpopular because he's posh, humourless, and makes her feel this small. But God forbid he reply in kind, else there will be tears. Do they not understand what she's been through in life? She once gave birth to a baby, for Christ's sake - how many other people have done that? That's right, none!

Below are the contestants, in reverse popularity order, least favourite first...

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Rebecca
Pre-spitgate, Bex provided much needed comic relief in the house by being thick as a bucket of mud, but cheerful. She now resembles an infuriated teenager, and needs to stop sharing her "opinions" with the world. By bullying poor defenseless Kat, she didn't just shoot herself in the foot, she totally butchered both legs. She'll need a miracle to bounce back.

Lisa
Sadly for Lisa, a warped sense of personal amazingness can work on a lumbering cretin like Mario, but listening to her regale the bored housemates with tales of people telling her how brilliant she is makes you prey for Alexandra to re-emerge into the house with an Uzi, spraying wildly. She'll be the first of the doggers to go.

Dale and Stuart
Now almost indistinguishable, Dale and Stuart simply wander about the house casually bouncing their pectoral muscles, only stopping to earnestly explain to Jennifer that sometimes they cry, and yes, they understand what it is to hurt inside. Unfortunately, by ganging up on Rex and Mohamed for little apparent reason, they ended up looking like a pair of disgruntled Chippendales - not a good look. And Dale, in particular, is becoming increasingly moody and forlorn. Neither will win.

Mohamed
There's something impossible to hate about Mohamed - it might be that he has the look of a hapless young man who has spent his life inadvertently veering into the eye of the storm. He did nothing to warrant the contents of Dennis' vile mouth, and he seems the least callous of the inmates. Will no doubt be nominated for weeks to come, but his lack of venom should see him safe.

Mario
Thanks to the surprisingly aggressive nature of the younger housemates, Mario has transformed from the "funny guy at work" (i.e. not remotely funny), into a kind of in-house Gandalf. He showed a cool head during the dramas by taking on the role of a health and safety obsessed Wetherspoon's pub bouncer. He could yet surprise everyone. Apart from his great pals, Ant and Dec, of course. They already knew he was brilliant.

Rex
Everyone is ganging up on Rex and it is unfair. But then you notice the vest, the half-grin, the muttered demands, the drainpipes, the voice so posh it's just a long slurring noise, and it's hard to feel overly sorry for the bloke. On very thin ice. Or "veh thih eye", as Kat would say.

Luke
Oh Jesus, Luke! He could have had the whole thing sewn up by now. He ticked all the boxes - geeky, funny, outspoken, sexually confused. It was in the bag. But then out popped a queeny bitching side, and his descent down the greasy pole began. So to speak. He needs to get back to being Mr Funny.

Mikey
MIKEY HAS MADE SHOUTING IN THE DIARY ROOM HIS THING. INSIDE THE HOUSE HE CAN BE FOUND DANCING WITH MARIO OR BITCHING WITH MARIO OR TALKING TO AN EMPTY SPACE WHERE HE THOUGHT MARIO WAS, ALL AT A VOLUME THAT EVEN BLIND PEOPLE SHOULD APPRECIATE AS FAR TOO LOUD. AFTER ALL HAVEN'T THEY GOT SUPERSENSITIVE HEARING? In short, needs to shut up.

Rachel
Last time, we said this about Rachel: Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003, and so far she has showcased a strange wrinkly forehead, apologised for absolutely everything anyone else has done wrong, and wept. Too dull to win. Nothing has changed.

Darnell
Amongst the yammering paranoids, Darnell seems to be the most fair and clear headed (no pun) in there. Fighting for the underdog - Mo - will have won him a big portion of the audience, and he comes across as a nice guy. His smooth RnB voice might even turn women on a bit.

Kathreya
Her worth is increasing hugely, thanks to being picked on by Bex (sympathy points) and calmly informing Rex that he can sometimes come across as an arrogant so-and-so, but in a way that didn't seem intended to be cruel or hurtful. Who'd have thought that a grown woman in a romper suit belowing "cookie" every three/four minutes could be the most normal in there? The one to beat.

30/06/08

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